FOOL

I'm patiently waiting for like to jump out and say "APRIL FOOLS!!" today. I woke up uber late, didn't shower, threw on jeans and a sweatshirt, pulled a hat over my out of control hair and practically ran to school. My head is pounding from that amount of stress in the morning and when I got home not only did I feel like the dirtiest, greasiest kid in existence, but I finally realized I forgot to put a bra on in my haste. That being said, I'm sending a gigantic apology out into the webiverse to anyone who has encountered me thus far today. I'm so terribly sorry, I promise I'm generally not this grody.

I found a website with creative writing prompts and I think I'm going to start using them to get me to blog more often. I think it might be rather cathartic.

Prompt #2
Take out those dusty photo albums and pick out photo #14. Count however you like, just stop at #14. Look at the photo for 2-3 minutes, then spend 10 minutes writing all the feelings that this photo gives you. Don't censor yourself. Just write.

Since this is the internet I had all intentions of posting photo No.14, but upon seeing what it was I don't think that's a good idea. For my curious friends, ask and I'll tell you where to find it or just read on in wonder.

I'm more confused than sad I suppose. Eleven years completely thrown away like the Sunday paper. It was always one sided, but the fact that I was needed is what kept me firmly rooted. I was so lonely and despondent for so many years that any human connection made me feel like I could live another day. I hate to think that that was the foundation of our friendship was built upon though. We shared a lot of laughs, she shared a lot of tears and I cried for her alone when I went home at night. I honestly thought she'd never not be in my life. How did it come to this?

There wasn't any closure. It's been completely anti-climactic. Correspondance just stopped. I thought I did something wrong so I gave her some space then left her a voicemail wishing her a happy holiday season and saying I'd love to catch up with her. Nothing. I guess it really is over, but I still feel like someone's playing mindgames with me. It had to have been me. It was always my fault. Even when I didn't know something was wrong, it was my fault. That's just how we were. We went through far too much to let that be an insurmountable issue.

I grew up though. Part of me finally realized that how this relationship was functioning was completely bizarro. I want nothing more than to call her and squeal that I'm finally going to Europe, to plan one more roadtrip or spend one more night laying on the trampoline and laughing. We had so many dreams and plans and they all unraveled. I'd love to know why some day.

...that was depressing.

All things good.