You & Me Baby Ain't Nothin' But Mammals

I could write about my current state of being, but nothing of much consequence has happened lately. Instead I leave you with another strange childhood memory.

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My parents never taught me about “the birds and the bees.” To this very day, for all they know, I could be completely devoid of any knowledge of sex and the process of baby making in the human species.

We owned a fishing station and marina when I was growing up and we would go out and catch our own bait fish to sell. Now, for those of you not in the know, bait fish LOVE the unfertilized eggs of horseshoe crabs. I suppose it’s an example of god’s sense of humor; having fish enjoy the roe of another animal. Fair play? I don’t know really.

Anyway, in order to trap the bait fish we’d first have to catch fertile, egg filled female horseshoe crabs during the full moon. Why during the full moon? I’ll tell you dear friends, because horseshoe crabs move to shallow water and get frisky during the full moon. So as these poor creatures were enjoying a little slap and tickle we’d pry them apart, take the female and later CUT HER IN QUARTERS to steal her eggs. This is, remarkably, not the story I had planned on telling.

Is this why none of my relationships work? Am I secretly terrified someone or something is going to come along and rip me from my mate, just to cut me open and steal my unborn children? That's a bit dramatic. I'm grasping at straws and looking for a scapegoat on this one.

My story was supposed to be light hearted and a bit silly. It goes a little something like this:

One day, while at the marina, 2 randy horseshoe crabs were scuttling along the shore in front of us and my dad said something like, “Oh look, they’re having sex.” I, with the infinite wisdom of an 8 year old turned and said in my most petulant tone, “No, Dad! They’re MATING.” Dragging out the word “mating” as if I was trying to explain quantum physics to a 5 year old. It wasn’t until I was about 13 or 14 that the thought entered my mind that perhaps humans were subject to the same breeding procedures as animals. I then spent a good month or two being greatly disturbed before receiving a schoolyard education on sex and succumbing to hormones. Suddenly the idea didn’t seem so horrific.