When I was 5 or 6 years old (and completely toilet trained) my cousin Amanda made me and her sister Rachel put on Pull-Ups potty training diapers and locked us in Rachel's closet while we were playing "house." Rachel screamed bloody murder while I tried to get her to shut up. My heart was pounding; I was scared of the dark, but I knew that the closet was preferable to under the bed where I sure an alligator lived.

I wasn't a terribly vocal child. I lived in my head, played on my own and did everything and anything I could to avoid embarrassment. I'm pretty sure I would have stayed in that closet until I starved to death if it meant not having my Uncle Eddie see me in a pair of Pull-Ups like an incontinent toddler.

I continue to live my life in a very similar fashion; like at any moment someone might rip open the door and find me in a pair of Huggies. I keep my mouth shut and push people away for fear of something mortifying happening to me around them. I suppose I'm a bit of a control freak. Having control makes me feel safe, like I am curled up, all safe and sound in an anti-embarrassment cocoon.

I guess this is me saying that I've been having a rough time of it lately. The Grateful Dead's "Truckin'" has been playing non-stop on the ol' iPod. I suffer silently more oft than not. I don't exactly know how to lean on someone. My entire life I've struggeled silently, pulling myself up by my own bootstraps. Trust issues; an endless number of counselors have told me. It's easier this way, I say. They seem to disagree, things get awkward and I move on to the next. I'm apparently emotionally stunted and if I don't fix this I can kiss a relationship goodbye.

I used to think that avoiding heartbreak was the smartest thingn I could do, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm lonely and I can't help but think that there's more to life than going at it alone. I want a Sharon and Ozzy kind of love. A love so strong you make a suicide pact just in case. A love so all encompassing that you physically cannot bear the thought of losing the other. If I'm going to do this, if I'm going to open myself up and allow myself to love and be loved, I am going to do it full stop.

I wonder if I'd have turned out like this if I had siblings.